Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton was born in Chicago, Illinois on October 26th, 1947 under a lucky star of questionable quality. Her father was Hugh Ellsworth Rodham, a textile worker; her mother was Dorothy Emma Howell Rodham. a typist and the inspiration for the original Dorito chip. At the age of seventeen, Hillary worked for Barry Goldwater's campaign by poisoning beatniks.

She enrolled in Wellesley College Political Science Department and became president of the Young Republicans chapter there. She suddenly became a liberal after shaking hands with a philosophy professor and not washing afterwards. Hillary graduated in 1969 with departmental honors and an inflated ego.

After graduation, Hillary did the natural thing and went to Alaska to gut salmon. She entered Yale Law School after an altercation over roe. There, she met Bill Clinton, with whom she had a unilaterally monogamous relationship. While getting her law degree, she worked as a children's advocate, alienating many adults.

Law degree in hand, she married Bill Clinton and moved to Arkansas. Her husband was elected governor which gave her experience with the executive branch and as a cuckold. After Bill was elected president, Hillary put together a health proposal that both sides of the aisle could hate equally. As first lady, Hillary was involved in more scandals than the Catholic Church.

Hillary ran for the Senate in 2000. She expected to run against Rudy Guliani; however, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and a well-publicized affair. She won the race and began a reign of terror that included seats on the Committee on Armed Services, Committee on Budget, Committee of Health, Education, Labor and Pensions. She was also part of the Special Committee on Aging, which required her to get older.

Clinton announced her candidacy in January 2007, with her husband nearby…safely in leather restraints.